Unearned Luck

I'm on Spring Break at the moment and one of my student's mentioned something about lj before we left and suddenly i remembered that I had one. I've been diligently updating the blogger account with new crappy creative fic, but completely forgot this thing existed ... sorry. 

Anyhow, in the past however many months it's been, I've done another round of summer school, recieved my teacher cert, took on yearbook with another teacher, was given four maxed out honors 9 classes and a class of comp 9 rejects.  I've lived in Riverdale, had to get rid of my dog (meaning send him to mom's house) and then moved back home at the end of the lease.  I've been screwed by my landlords, the state of md, and probably the federal government out of money that they owe and should probably fight for that  and I need to beat someone at pgcc for stealing my money (they claimed that I had a debt that I did ... bad check for someone who DOESN"T write checks).  

I should be cleaning, but the dogs have lost their minds and the computer is so much more fun ... it will get done though.  

Well, that's my life.  

YEARBOOK IS DONE!!!!! (oh that was a huge nightmare this year)

They say dreams are the way that your subconscious talks to you. If that's true, then my subconscious is waging war on one another. It all started yesterday afternoon with a dream ....

I was sitting in a cafeteria--kind of a mix between the St. Mary's Great Room and a food court with raised areas. A couple of my students were there, only they were freshmen and I was a junior (very similiar to Spring '03). We are talking about being R.A.s, and I am giving my cynical advice.

There is a girl with blackish-purple-ish hair (a shade I went my freshman or sophomore year of college). She has lots of piercings. She is unimportant now, but becomes important later, so pay attention.

We move from the cafeteria to a very nice sitting room with books. Reminds me of some of the places at Boston College (geez, Ricky, your school is now invading my dreams and I have only been there once). We are hanging out ... still. Talking ... still.

Enter random, older, buff, shirtless, Asian man with a staff. He says something to the girl with blackish-purple-ish hair. She pulls out two sticks from no where (if they were connected they would be the size of knunchucks, but they weren't connect and had little handles jutting off them so she could hold them without wrapping her hand around the actual stick ... I've seen these weapons in Soul Caliber). They start fighting. Like, seriously, no joke fighting in this fancy sitting room.

Enter random women with their daughters. Each has a card that says there is going to be a poetry reading or book club discussion in the room soon. They have an important person to the school's name on it, like these people were invited by that important person to be there. We don't want them to stay. We want to see this fight play out, but we have no ideas how to get the people to leave.

Suddenly, as the girl starts winning the fight, I come up with the idea of stripping (now anyone who knows St. Mary's knows that people remove their clothes at the drop of a hat... i wasn't frequently of those people, but here ... yah). So when the girl hits the guy, I remove an article of clothing. When the guy hits, I think the better of it. These people, though, are totally freaked out. Not my friends who are being played by my students (and you know, in proper junior year St. Mary's fashion, it is me, a bunch of guys, and maybe two girls, including the one who is fighting), but those who invaded the room .....

Unfortunately, it stopped. The phone rang, and I woke up, but in waking up, I realized what this dream meant. Which is scary because it is so obvious and usually my dreams mean nothing or reveal fears or something, but this one was all about my ID and my superego battling each other. They were fighting for dominance. I thought it was cool.

I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING OFF THE EVIL, KID-INCUBATING ERMS FOR A WEEK NOW. I HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO SREP, A STOMACHE VIRUS, AND BROCHITITUS, IN ADDITION TO THE STANDARD ALLEGIES. I SPENT THREE DAYS WITH NO VOICE TO SPEAK OF, GOING ON FOUR WITH A HACKING COUGH FROM DEEP WITHIN MY CHEST THAT SCARES MY STUDENTS, AND TONIGHT, I STARTED VOMITING. I HATE CHILDREN. AS FOR WHAT I'VE BEEN UP THE PAST FIVE WEEKS ....

CHECK OUT MEESHABPUCK.BLOGSPOT.COM (FOR MY WRITING)
MSMCGEESCLASS.BLOGSPOT.COM (FOR WHAT MY KIDDIES HAVE BEEN UP WHILE I'VE BEEN DYING)
AND
NANCYREAGANHS.BLOGSPOT.COM (FOR WHY I HAVE NO ENERGY AFTER SCHOOL :-p)

PLUS THAT LAST CERTIFICATION CLASS IS JUST BECOMING A DEATH MARCH TO THE FINISH (ONLY FIVE MORE SESSION :-D)

mike is screwing me again. he can't pay the rent this month because of his car issues. he spends money quiet freely except when it comes to his obligations to me and mom. he is such an ass.

Today I was circling the room during fifth period. They were working in groups and I knew that I could let them go on their own. I was harassing a couple of kids who weren't doing their work, and a couple who wanted to "help" their classmates because they are a bit frightened of my latest simulation (a week of communist grades). But I had opened what was probably my third soda of the day and the kids, a couple of my really bright ones, the really good ones, the ones who I absolutely adore and feel blessed that I get to teach them because they are going to go on to great things and it's nice to be able to spend some time in their greatness ... yah .. ok, getting sappy, anyway, these kids were telling me that I shouldn't drink soda because they recently learned in health class that it's dangerous to my health to drink as much soda as I do, like seriously concerned, like depleting calcium in my bones, leads to to type II diabetes, and stuff. I just shrugged it off as the kids were lecturing me, but they are seriously concerned, then I gave my old response to any concern about my health--i don't plan to live past thirty which really disturbed the kids and i realized my mistake and these kids actually care whether I live or die--come on, so many of my monsters want to see me dead and gone, but these guys don't. dude, it's strange

I have started a new blog on blogger to force myself to write daily. The only reason I'm not posting it here is because I have to check the other one a couple of times a week because one of my clubs is using it as electronic communication. So if you want to see what I'm writing (creatively), you can check it out here: http://meeshabpuck.blogspot.com/.

Over the weekend, my mom convinced me to sing in the choir at her church--they only have four sopranos for their Christmas program. She calls the choir director to ask permission, and he refuses to give a definitive answer, stating that he must speak the senior pastor and with my mom privately. At choir today, my mom asks him again, if I can join the choir for the Christmas program, you know, just to help out.

His first question, "is she serving the Lord?"
My mom's response, "what do you mean by that?"
"You know what serving the Lord is."
"Are you asking if she attends a church regularly because you know her problems with organized religion."
"No, I'm not familiar"

At this point, my mother goes through my not-so-long, yet terribly jaded history with organized religion, starting with the incidents at the methodist church where they basically called me crazy and offered me psychiatric help because I spoke the truth about the choir director to the most recent incident where he was driven out of a church because of the politics. She tells him that I serve the Lord in my job and in my life, despite my lack of regular church attendance, and goes on to say that she was hoping that if I sang in the choir that I would start to trust a congregation and church body again (which is not very likely to happen).

In response to all of this, he asks my mother if she thinks that the choir is a community choir, and implies that I am not spiritually fit enough to be part of his ministry (bear in mind that I have sang in his choirs, on again, off again for five years).

My mom is livid. She is debating quitting the church and the choir. Me, I'm just kind of hurt. No I am not a religious person. Yes, I have a very informal relationship with the Lord. No, I do not believe that Christ is the only way to salvation because I really do not think that God who loves us all according to the Bible would want to persecute more than of the world's population, especially since we were all created in his image. I can quote scripture. I can preach. I can sing most Christian genres with a free spirit, a feeling that I rarely get, except when singing music that touches my heart and my soul. I do not know.

And apparently my father is alive.

Gah I hate this administration. In about nine hours, I have to talk with ninth graders about the implications of the events of 9/11 without inserting my own political views and without killing them all for asserting their ridiculous conspiracy theories. On top of that, I find out that our darling government has decided that tomorrow is Patriot Day because showing up at an work or getting on a plane and dying a horribly tragic and unforseeable death is apparantly patriotic. Please forgive me, I don't mean to be crass, but wouldn't Sucker-Punch Day be better or NYPD/FDNY Day or I don't know, the Day that Allowed an Incompenant and Approval-Rating Struggling Administration to Drag Us into an Unneeded War because They Thought it Would Boast Ratings or At Least Line Their Pockets ... we could call it DAIARSADUUWBTTSADU for short ... all joking aside, though, what happened five years ago was an atrocity where we got to see the best and worst of society. A lot of people died, a lot of people were injured, and the nation was left scarred. What we had immediately following the events were compassion and love for our fellow man--that is what should be remembered today--that and those who died both willing sacreficing themselves to try to save others and those who died without any knowledge of what was going on or that this would be their last day on earth. Give this patriotic shit a rest. There has been little that is patriotic about the events of 9/11 or the aftermath.

Ben Franklin said, “Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.” Think about what our "patriotism" has done for us.

Skeazy, skeazy perv man from my church (aka the adult and youth choir director) has finally been indicted for some sort of sex crime with a student (http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2006/09_01-49/TOP). He apparently carried a two year relationship with a student where, among other things, they had sex in his office at school and on school functions.

This guy perved me and my bff from high school while we were riding in the car with him to get stuff from my bff's house. I believe he slept with the two younger girls in choir (one was a year younger, the other was two years younger than me) and he slept with my bff from high school when she was in college (during the time he was banging this student). He's known my former bff since she was a tiny little girl, we're talking preschool here.

I'm a bit shocked. You could tell he knew it was coming since he resigned from both of his posts, and hopefully both the church and the school will produce their investigation notes because there have been complaints filed against him in both places.

Ok. Bedtime. Must work tomorrow.

Six Flags Friday. Meet at Roosevelt at 10:15. Carpool over. There a couple of buy one, get one free coupons floating around.

Anyone up for a last hurrah before we have to return to the world of education and "temperature-controlled" buildings or want to play hookie one day from work?

If you answered yes to the latter two questions, how 'bout Six Flags the second week in August (aka the week before we go back to work)? I'm thinking August 8, 9, or 10 (midweek), though could be persauded to go play any day because ... dude, rollercoaster and waterpark ;-). Anyway, let me know. I'll post later with an actual date for those who are interested.

Before break, I've had one verbal fight (one girl picked on a boy because of what he was wearing and the two of them were screaming obsenities at each other until I sent them down to the office) and a threat. I'm not sure if the child was threatening me or the school, but it involved blowing something up. He used the specific words "blow up." He was not referring to a balloon which the kids were joking about after he said it. My fighers are coming back tomorrow. I'm grateful. Both of those kids are working and trying to the best of their abilities (meaning they are working as hard as they know how to work ... like one doesn't understand that she needs to do everything). The one who threatened me, I want him gone. He does nothing.

Then immediately after break, I had a student sexually harass me after giving me lip b/c i wouldn't let him eat in the classroom. WOW.

We screwed up a 4-0 lead in the last inning, we are so like the national league. In three weeks, dodgeball should start up and who knows what might be after that. I also might be playing softball this fall, but who knows.

After we lost, we went to Willy K's (of course). Didn't go w/Jill this time. Changed at the field and went straight there w/Kelley and Mike. We sang kareoke. It was so much fun. I sang three songs (two duets--one w/Mike and one w/Kelley) and danced and stayed inside this week. It made me happy
:-). When we went outside to say g'bye to the rest of the team, Justin told me to make sure we were on the same dodgeball team (our kickball team's prolly gonna have to divy up for dodgeball bc there are so many of us), and things seem semi-ok, but still off w/Jill. It should be better when she gets back from her vacation.

I had my first methods class today. It was ok. Not as painful as it could've been, especially since we were out at 9 pm instead of 10:30 and we are coming in at 8:30 tomorrow and prolly getting out early again tomorrow. The people seem nice. I like my classmates, though we have a lot of PE and fam & consumer science teachers. Oh well, I think I'm gonna do my assessment hw and figure out what I need to do for our final project while i have Jill's textbook. bye bye

Mike spent the money on new clothes, eating out, and his car payment. The check bounced. We have not gotten notice from our apartment complex yet, but we recieved the bank notice today. Is Mike talking to me about any of this? Of course not! Is he totally avoiding any money issues ... oh, fuck yeah!

Yes I understand that he is struggling and that he recently had a birthday and wants to treat himself, but it is ridiculous that something that effects us both is in jeopardy because Mike is a selfish prick (though, in his pseudo-defense, the bank just took his car payment out of his account because it is so late).

I do not know what to do. All of the food in the house has been purchased by me (or at least acquired by me). The beer we drink tomorrow at kickball will be mine. I pay for cellphone service and cable (which total between $250 and $300 a month), he covers electric and water (which is about $50 a month). My share of the rent is $555; his is $400. Tell me if you think this is terribly unfair. Yes I make more than he does, but I also work longer hours than he does and during the school year, bring work home with me. This summer, I'm not making as much as I normally do during the school and told Mike that this owuld happen when we moved in and that things needed to change over the summer, so that this arrangement would work. He's just an childish asshole.

And mom needs our help because she's jobless now. Dear God, I do not want to move back home. I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE BACK HOME, but that seems to be where God is leading me. HELP!

I ran my mouth (or more accurately my fingers) and lost a friend this week. Monday I asked her a really offensive, though, I was trying to make it as inoffensive as possible b/c i really wanted to know the answer. In trying to explain why I was asking the question, I showed her my livejournal ... I write about everyone ... whoever is most in my life tends to be part of the subject of whats going on because it is usualy the interactions with them that cause me to want to write (or hell days at school).

I thought that she would just read the post that I sent to her, but instead she read the rest of the journal--she was curious about what else I would write about her. She said nothing about the sentiments of the journal, but "yelled" at me about the descriptions.

she was someone I spoke with everyday usually and hung out with a couple of times a week. now we just talk about school when she ims about it.

we weren't friends for very long, but we had become real close real fast; i think teaching does that--you know the desire to have adults to talk to when you are surrounded by kids all day. and i really do ... did enjoy hanging out with her ...

I guess that I just sabotauge friendships in the early stages because at least it's over on my terms when it's over. still have the mentality that i'm gonna leave them soon and i don't need to be close with people (though I do have some close friends and some friendships have persisted despite being separated by a couple of states), but most of these have had their share of problems too, but we got through it.

or maybe i have the need to test people.

or maybe i feel like i don't deserve friends.

or, as a professor in college suggested (not to me, but to a good friend of mine), i just enjoy the drama.

who knows. i just wish that i didn't do these things and could just go along with the flow because it would be easier.

He bought some nicotine gum today. He's actually gonna try to quit for Rico, since Rico refused to kiss him Tuesday night b/c he tasted like cigarettes. Even though his reasons are kinda funny, I'm so proud of him :-)

In other news my summer school kids still suck my ass, but I have only 16 days left, so I think I'll make it and Huntington's pissed at me b/c I told them that I cannot work beyond 5 pm next Thursday yesterday. Now I had previously told my boss that I cannot work Thursdays in July b/c of kickball. I told my boss on Wednesday which was my first day at work after getting the official notification of the tournament time (I got the email on Tuesday). I told her that yesterday; she seemed pissed today. I think it is ridiculous to punish b/c I have a previous commitment. Fucking bitch. I think that it is incredibly unorganized there, so I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna stick around. I liked the other huntington, but it was hard on me to get there while teaching. This one is convenient, but the people are ... I dunno. Oh, well, we'll see how it goes.

BTW, this is strange ... a Thursday at home.

Is it a bad sign when you are watching fireworks and analyzing the choreography of the fireworks and the choice of music, like which armed forces branch is the favorite by the type of fireworks shot off during their battle hymns ... it was funny, the marines had almost exclusively those ones that just flash and bang, no pretty colors or anything. Also got very lucky, through the many checkpoints on the Mall, they demanded that we show them our cellphones, but no one actually checked it b/c i had just sent out a message that was something along the lines of "happy remembering america's own terrorist actions day." It was fun watching the fireworks w/mom & zach. g'night.

I think I almost died tonight. Please do not think me too hyperbolus, it's just that on our way home from Crownsville, I was driving on the DC beltway (aka Satan's little racetrack). No incidents, other than an SUV who didn't believe that I existed, but that was easily rectified and didn't even require a horn honk. No, the badness occurred when I safely made the turn onto the 295 N on ramp. I tapped the break as we were going into the gradual because we were going between 65 and 70 mph on 495 and I didn't want to risk ending up in a ditch on the ramp (I've had bad luck recently with ramps and rain ... in fact, I've always had bad luck with ramps and rain, but anways ..). When I hit the break, I lost control of the car. We started to veer hard left into the grassy on the other side of the on ramp, so I tried to compensate (and yes, I did take my foot off the break). Next think I know we are flying towards the guard rail. It looked like we were going to hit very hard on Mike's side. I do not know what I did at the wheel, but instead of hitting the passenger side of hte car, we hit hard the front driver's side bumper (hard enough to wear a hole through my bumper) and then spun around enough to go one whole circle from one side to the other on the ramp and then back to center, facing the right direction. The car was thrown into neutral and I thought that the engine was dead, so I manuevered her to the shoulder on the remaining momentum, just in time for three cars to come up fast on the on ramp (no breaking for these folks).

How the fuck am I alive? I've seen cars mangled when they've hit the guard rails going at the same speed that I was. How can I still drive my car? I just want to cry. I'm so scared. I do not want to have to drive tomorrow. I'm so scared to go out on the road.

Mike and Dana said something interesting to me last night (btw, it was awesome hanging out with everyone). they told me that skezzy guys tend to seek out "good girls" and went on to explain that "good girls" are easy to prey upon ...

I have to wonder why guys are not interested in me. It's frustrating. Guys who are interested in me usually fall into the category of skezzy or waaaaaay tooooo young. In fact, this school year, let's see, two random drunken make-out hook-ups, one guy who I should not be interested in who only calls during the most inconvient times, one guy whose intervention is part of the reason why my brother was arrested, a couple of male students who expressed their love for me in various forms, and a friend (female) who when she drinks gets very touchy, but no decent prospects, and in fact, when I was drunk, I prolly messed up my only prospect because I'm an idiot.

So what's wrong with me? I know I'm not beautiful, but I also don't think I'm ugly, or anywhere close to that end of the spectrum. I think I have a good personality, but maybe not because there are people at work who randomly hate me. The only thing I can think is that I'm insecure in some situations and maybe people pick up on that. Is that the case? Are men attracted to confidence? If I want to find a "good" guy, do I need to be confident in who I am?

I dunno. It just seems like everyone I know is involved with someone, except me and it's kinda lonely.

Mr. McNeill, '09 administrator and 2iC at my school, told me yesterday that he thought I did a good job this year ... specifically he said that he thought that I was very consistent in the classroom and that is why my first year wasn't nightmarish (the conversation started with him asking me how my first year went). YAY! It's rare we get praise in our profession.